I wanted to write about crushes. Then lots of stuff happened recently and I kept postponing it, so right now I don’t feel like writing about crushes. Not today. I’d rather listen to the rain while laying in my bed, and watching the wallpaper on my phone crying with raindrops. It makes me sad in a way, but I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t cry again too soon.

I remember my first article from more than a year ago, where I talked about rain… That article was the start of me explaining to myself how crushed I felt, when a mutual crush ended after a while. That’s the thing with crushes, they crush you in a way. And if they don’t, you either fall in love or fall out of love, but you’re still getting crushed sooner or later. Can you have a crush on someone who has crushed you already? Probably not. It would be insane, I guess.

But anyway, I said this would not about crushes. It makes me sad, trying to write about crushes. And not because of my first mutual crush, but because of more recent events. Unfortunate events that came in a series (speaking about that, I could probably think about a few characters from books I felt attracted to, in a way. But that’s another story, other kind of ‘crushes’); and it’s strange that usually people are happy to talk about crushes, right? Like, they’re eyes become little hearts and this kind of stuff (at least in cartoons). And I guess there’s a phase which may resemble that metaphor, but it’s only a matter of time until you get to the next stage: either accepting that there’s nothing going on, or falling in love. And to be honest I’m not sure which is worse.

But I’m not talking about crushes, I’m talking about me and how I realised that maybe there was something a little more special about him. Maybe it was because he seemed to understand my thoughts and I could be myself when I was with him. Maybe it was the fact that he wrote back to me, in a way that no one did before. (I was waiting for someone else to write back at some point long ago, but in the meantime I gave up waiting.) Maybe because he was using the phrase ‘to be completely honest’, maybe because he was hard to read and I had no idea if I was amongst his thoughts; or maybe I was feeling lonely, which is a lie, ‘cuz the verb should be in present tense. But anyway, it’s hard to have a crush on someone, it’s even harder to tell them and the hardest thing to do is accept their decision. I survived though, it’s OK. I guess it’s better to know what the other feels about you, before you fall too hard. You can’t afford to fall too hard – you don’t want to be crushed by all the thoughts and dreams and future plans that may include him, right? Don’t let him crush you by being present in your mind if you’re not sure there’s a chance, as little as it may be, for things to work out.

But anyway, I don’t really feel like talking about crushes. Not when I can still hear the words ‘So… I guess you’ll write another article now’ which came from someone who was having a crush on me. And I was refusing him, I explained the situation (lame excuses, I guess), but it was hard. It’s hard to explain why things wouldn’t work out when you actually care about that person, it’s hard to continue and live the everyday life knowing he’s not looking at you with the same eyes he had beforehand, it’s hard to ask him the name of England’s Eurovision song, without blinking when hearing the answer. But again, I admire the courage to speak the truth, and I do believe that it’s better to be honest and talk about feelings rather than slowly getting crushed by the amount of them. But you can get crushed if someone has a crush on you, just like the phrase says. You get crushed by their attention, and I may be weird, but I don’t feel at ease when I get too much unwanted attention. It makes me back off and slowly start rejecting people, and yeah… Better to understand the message than becoming a freak, I guess.

Perhaps I’m just too picky, or I feel so alone that it’s hard to realise if I actually want the crush thingie to work, or it’s just the loneliness that may induce feelings. I don’t know. Is it nice to have a crush? Well, when I was younger (and yes, I’m still young) I guess it was sweet. But not anymore. Now it’s just strange, and hard, and sad, and then either everything or nothing at all: nothing if you fall out of love, everything if you get crushed. There’s also the case when things work out, of course, but more importantly, do they continue to work out in the future? You can fall out of love if that’s the wrong person you were falling in love with. And that’s OK as well.

But I’m not picky. I just don’t have a clear idea about what I want, but I start getting more ideas about what I do not want. Does that count as picky? If you say you feel lonely, but refuse anyone who wants to come closer to you? I don’t know. I used to think that no one ever had a crush on me, just because I didn’t know anyone that would. But then things changed, and I’m not sure which is worse: that no one has a crush on you, or that some have, but they’re not your type. And on top of that, you don’t even know your type. You have that first mutual crush for comparison, but it’s wrong to compare guys, it’s wrong to compare relationships, it’s wrong to compare you from the past with you from the present, ‘cuz things change and perhaps you’ll never find someone having all his good parts, plus all the other good parts that would make a relationship work this time. So why keep comparing, then? Why think that because a guy lacks something your first crush did not, it makes the guy less likely to be worth even trying? ‘Cuz the truth is, you don’t know anything before you try. But before that, your intuition comes, and then your standards, and then your non-types, and then the realisation that the amount of feelings you have for that person are below the minimum necessary to decide it may be worth a try. Sometimes that’s wrong, of course, but it’s you who decide what to choose.

This article was supposed to be about anything else than crushes, but the truth is when you are physically crushed by a physical object, it’s hard to think about anything else, right? The same is with having a crush. Or with trying not to imagine a pink elephant if someone tells you not to imagine a pink elephant. It’s all about the mind and imagination, in the end. That’s where the feelings are, but how can you control your feelings when you see him with someone else, except you just saw wrong and it was not him at all? You can’t control if you have a crush or not, if you wait half asleep near the phone or not, can you? ‘You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you.‘ I guess that’s true.

But still, if Z. has a crush on Y. , and Y has a crush on X., then what should Y.ou do? Keep going forward and aim high, on X., or turn around and wait for Z.? Keep your dignity and all the promises you made to yourself, regarding which type ‘the one’ should fit in, or not fit in? Or realise not everything is black and white only? I don’t know. Right now I’m not sure of anything, to be completely honest. Not even of this article’s title.